It’s almost 2 a.m. I’m still awake, my muscles are sore, and my stomach hurts. I know stress when I see it and the fact is that “they” will win if I stay on this track. Just wondering when I get to put my guard down. It’s hard to get ahead when you constantly have to watch your back. Yesterday, I wanted to quit, give up and be done with it. Move on to a world where I don’t have to question the motives of everyone around me. The insomnia isn’t new and I’ve obviously been ignoring the toll things have been taking on me, my body, my mind and more importantly my spirit. Do I ever get to be in a place where I’m not expected to fit into a box? When do I get to focus on my goals without the stress of racism…I’m tired. That’s the only way I can put it. Tired of racism. Yes, it does exist, all around us (even if the President is Black). More than that, I’m tired of deliberate ignorance. I don’t expect everyone to understand my experience but I shouldn’t have to expect to be attacked when I put a voice to my experiences. I won’t be chased away. Unlike some people, my responsibilities extend far beyond myself. I have a duty to my children, the family that supports my academic endeavors and the community that blessed me with the skills of perseverance and fearlessness. Yesterday, I had a moment. Today, I’m moving on to fulfill my obligations to my babies, family and community. “They” will not win because I cannot lose.
I recently posted about my experiences with racism within my graduate program. Two white men then asked me to provide them with proof that racism exists.
Two white men asked me to prove that racism exists. Read more »
What happens when racism begins to take its toll? Not the overt, “I hate you n****”" kind of racism, but the subtle kind. The kind that real racist people utilize. The subtle kind makes a difference. In implicitly treating you as inferior, these people manage to make you question yourself. You begin to wonder if you’re just imagining things. It’s draining. Since August, I’ve been enrolled in a graduate program. Since then, I’ve faced countless acts of explicit and implicit racism. Most often, in the form of one cohort or another. I’m usually pretty good at calling it like I see it but the subtly of some acts/people are draining me. Most often, people attempt to mask racism within issues of class. I’ve gotten to a point where I much prefer they be open about their bigotry. That way, we can both move on and treat one another accordingly. Truth is, I have more respect for the guy who outright says he doesn’t like Black people than I do for the girl who smiles and says hello but goes behind my back and admits she doesn’t like Black people. For goodness sake, don’t spit in my face and try to convince me it’s raining. What’s the deal anyway? Is it that these people know there is something wrong with being racist? It would seem that if you felt justified in being racist, you should be proud of that. I’m just drained. It’s exhausting to always have to question people’s motives and interpret their behavior because it so blatantly conflicts with the words coming out of their mouths. Shirley Chisholm once said that being a woman was much more of a handicap than being Black. On this one, I cannot agree. My being Black has proven to be far more of an obstacle than my being a woman. I’m the only Black person in my current program and the fact is that I’m just homesick right now. My cohorts don’t know what it’s like to get up everyday, go to work and class and never see a professor or classmate who looks like you. Sure, there are other commonalities to build upon but sometimes it’s good to have someone who knows exactly what you’re going through.
Season 1 | Erica | 
April 29, 2009 1:07 am | 
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